September 19, 2010

September 19, 2010, was one of the worst days and one of the best days of my life.

Normally 9/19 is a completely happy day for us - it's my Pops birthday and it's also the day back in 2005 that our little eggs were implanted and it ultimately resulted in our beautiful Ryenne.

But last year, 9/19 was an extremely difficult day for me. It ultimately changed me in ways that I can't even measure.

On 9/19 last year I thought my baby was going to die. On that same day I thought my marriage was going to end.

I haven't wanted to write about it because I have been in a year long healing process and needed to not talk about it with anyone while I processed things internally. If you go back to my post last year, you'll read how I wrote everything so lightly. It wasn't a light day. It was a heavy, hard day.

Today I'd like to talk about that day - what happened then - and what's happened since.

Last year we were having breakfast to celebrate Pops' birthday. Kai was at the height of his issues (though I hadn't recognized them all yet) and was having difficulty holding himself up when he was sitting. At the table he fell out of his chair and hit his head on the iron leg of the dining table - hard. I stupidly went on a walk. At home, he started throwing up and convulsing. My mom came over to watch the other two and I strapped Kai in the car to take him to the emergency room.

I kept talking to him and his eyes would roll and he'd close his eyes. I pulled the car over, jumped to the back seat and yelled at him "DON'T YOU DIE!" and kissed him and jumped back in the drivers seat to take him to the ER. He threw up in the car and again as we were running into the ER. He had a CAT scan and was given nausea meds and was monitored in the ER. His brain was ok but he was weak. They sent us home and told me to monitor him for anything else abnormal.

When we got home I tucked him into a blanket on the couch so that I could monitor him. Chico snipped at him and I got very upset. As many of you recall, I had been having issues with Chico and I wanted to put him down because he kept biting the kids. But this episode of him trying to bite my Boy while I was still on an adrenaline rush was just too much.

After this happened, Peter woke up and I told him about the events of the day. I should have told him when I was taking Kai to the hospital, but I decided to let him sleep so he wouldn't be tired.

Peter and I had been growing apart for several months. Peter had this way of turning things around whenever I tried to talk about something that was bothering me. If I ever tried to bring something up about needing help with the house or with the kids, he would immediately turn off and give me the silent treatment. It got to a point where it was always me apologizing to him even though I had done nothing wrong. It had gotten to a point where he wasn't involved in anything we were doing. He was becoming an outsider in his own family. I don't know if it was him missing Maui or having resentment toward me for moving him away - but me and the kids weren't getting any of his time or attention. I was starting to not feel attracted to him anymore.

Anyway, back to 9/19 - Peter was a little upset that I hadn't told him about Kai. And when I brought up the fact that I wanted to put Chico down, his entire face changed. It was like a different person took over - even his eyes were different. He grabbed our biggest knife and said he was going to kill Chico right then and there. The kids were watching in horror. I went to grab Peter and he pushed me against the wall in a rage with the knife in his hand. I thought he was going to stab me. My mom pulled him away and Ryenne started crying. I was terrified.

I was ready to grab the kids and leave. I honestly don't remember exactly what happened after that. My body was so full of adrenaline and fear that I just can't remember anything immediately after that point. I know I was scared.

I know that Peter cried. He realized what he was doing, dropped to the ground, and started to cry. I was completely disgusted by him. But what could I do? I don't make enough money to be on my own with the kids. I can't even afford to rent a 1 bedroom apartment on my own. My mind was trying to figure out how I could be on my own with the kids. I couldn't. I simply couldn't do it. So I stayed in the house with him.

Eventually we got to talking. He was so sorry for blowing up the way that he had. He said he would never do it again. But that door had been opened and I couldn't trust him. I kept telling him that actions speak louder than words. All of his words to me were worthless.

In the days and weeks that followed, his actions began to change. He gave me space. He started spending more time with the kids - genuine time - not just sitting on the couch with them while he played on his phone. He asked me for input on what he could do to help me around the house. He told me he wanted to regain my trust and he knew it was going to be an uphill battle. He told me that he couldn't live without us. All of these things were just words unless he put them into action.

It was like we started dating again. We started to get to know each other again. We broke out of old routines and started fresh. I became more vocal about what I needed out of him and what I expected of him. I decided not to be a silent partner in the marriage. I was going to tell him what I wanted and if he couldn't do it then I'd be done. He knew he was walking on eggshells. Everything I asked of him, he did. And he did it with a smile on his face. He became the husband and father that he always should have been.

When I left for Maui with the kids it was really hard. We had just done all this work on our relationship and things were going great and here we were being in separate states for 2 months.

I think that being apart strengthened us even more. It was hard, but it helped us. A lot.

When we went to Lanai with the kids, I decided to set up a photo shoot for us. Lanai is where we honeymooned and it's one of my favorite places on the planet (of the places I've visited, that is). I think these pictures show exactly where we are right now. We're happier than we've been in our entire marriage. I guess we had to hit a very low point in order to change and grow. I'm a stronger woman than I ever have been. You know, it's funny because my wedding rings don't fit. I haven't worn them in over a year. I kinda don't want to anymore because they represent something that is dead. Our old marriage is dead.

These are some of my favorite images from our photo shoot. I wanted to share this story because it ignited such a change in us - both of us. Though what Peter did was bad - very bad - he is not a bad person. He has grown so much and I'm so proud of him.