You know how in movies or in books when a person stands before God and says, "What is the meaning of life?" - it really makes me wonder what kind of life they have lived. I have discovered the meaning of life quite some time ago... Happiness.
In fact, I'm so confident in this that I hope when my kids are older and a teacher says, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" their answer is simply: "To be happy."
Because happiness leads to so many things - love, appreciation, compassion, trust. Happiness makes a person want to do good for themselves and for others.
Now for the novella.... sorry this is long. I have things on my mind I need to vent.
I strive for happiness in my daily life - to look at what I do for my kids and for myself and for Peter. I am really trying to be present in my daily life and appreciate each moment I am given. I am enjoying experimenting with cooking, and dancing, and being silly.
So lately I have been asking myself if I am happy in everything that I do. Lately a melancholy has been creeping into my soul telling me how much I miss having mountains and ocean around in my life. It gnaws at me. I feel like I have grown as a person so much in the past two years that I have been in Austin. Like the move from Maui was only a part of me discovering who I am. And Austin plays a role - but it is definitely not the place I feel is my forever home. And this scares me.
Austin has opened up my life in so many ways. I birthed the boys here in a way that I was not able to on Maui. I have been able to nourish my body into being healthy with the low cost of food. I have moved into a house that was unattainable on Maui. My parents have followed me to Austin and are flourishing. Marti - Kai's therapist - is helping us through his struggles. Peter's job allows him to work at night and go to school during the day. Ryenne and Kai's preschool is amazing. I have made several incredible friends. ... and yet.... why am I not "home"?
Would I be "home" if I moved back to Maui? NO WAY. Visiting Maui is awesome, but I would be so upset with the way things work there if I were to ever move back.
There are things that Austin is missing. Of course the ocean and mountains that I mentioned before. But also any trace of Hawaiian/Island culture are totally absent. No Hawaiian food. No Hawaiian people. Not many Asians at all for that matter. Austin is probably the most diverse city in Texas. And yet it's still not diverse enough for me.
And then there's the houses. I am thankful for our house - don't get me wrong. But I have to say that Texas architecture is some of the ugliest I have ever seen. (there are cute homes near downtown but who can afford it?) Big boxes with zero character. I was in awe of our house when we bought it. I thought it seemed like something that belonged in Kaanapali Hills. Now daily I look at my big box with zero character and try to clean it. I am trying to put my stamp on it. But really it's a box on a sliding foundation.
Honestly if my parents weren't here I would try to find a way out. I can't believe I just typed that.
And then there's my photography. I have made some wonderful contacts here and my business is slowly but surely growing. A huge YAY, but also scary. What if I eventually do really well? What if I do so well that I have roots here and am stuck for fear of starting anew somewhere else?
So just to get away from spilling my thoughts for a moment. If I'm not happy with my current place in life, what do I want?
I have always, always, always wanted a craftsman bungalow home. They are so close in style to a Hawaiian Plantation Home... So let's talk about dreams for a moment. My mom always told me that "thoughts are things" and if I keep dreaming my dreams and work for them - they will come true.
What does my heart desire? If I could have anything I ever wanted, this would be the scenario. A craftsman bungalow no larger than 1800sq feet with a separate structure for my "studio" in a sweet, safe town/city near the ocean with mountains. My house would have adorable windows, hardwood floors, and lots of little nooks and hutches for storing things. This town/city would have four seasons and my home would be in walking distance from a coffee shop or library or corner market. This city/town would have a large airport so that we could all fly to Maui every summer. My parents would follow us to this new place. In the summer the heat would never extend beyond 85 degrees. My kids would grow up in a diverse school with kids who look like them as well as kids who don't. Peter's nursing career would support our monthly bills and anything that I made from photography would go toward fun family activities and travel. We would have no credit card debt. Our cars would be paid off. We could afford to decorate for holidays. Our garage would not be attached to our house.
I told Peter that I think I'm having a mid-life crisis. Or maybe it's a mid-life "discovery". With all the changes going on in my life I feel like the old me just doesn't apply - or was walking in a fog. He pretty much just told me to do what makes me happy and point him in the right direction. Gotta love that.
I have been toiling for days on how to write this post. I felt like I needed to type out my thoughts and stop stewing on them. It's funny that I started this post all about happiness and then went on to write about the things that I am not happy about. But then again... maybe that is part of the key. To try to change the things that make us unhappy into things that we can be happy about. And the future is definitely something I like to think happily upon.
6 comments:
my list is so similar to yours...ocean, cute town, close enough to an airport, good schools, wood floors, windows that let in amazing light, open kitchen. i hear ya...especially on the house not feeling like a home but a box.
ps. i just read your post to michael and he said you need to move to portland oregon.
Thanks Kristi! Yes, our list is so similar!
Portland, OR and Seattle area seem very attractive to me at the moment... we shall see!
I think we all go through stages of life like this...it is good to sit and really think on what we want, our dreams, desires and possibilities. I don't think it should scare you, I don't think you are having a midlife crisis, you are not old enough :)...but I think after we have children, and that "stage" of life is over. We tend to ponder more as to "what is next, I am married, I have my children...now what??"
You are very normal, I go through stuff like this often and have since I was about 30. :) I just pray that God would lead me in the path that is best for us. I believe He always has MY best in mind.
I'm with you. I want to head closer to Portland. I love it up there. Hubby works outside and hates the rain. He's a Kihei boy. He is homesick and wants to move back. I do to. Until I think about how simple things can be so complicated there. And expensive.
Medford is nice. And REALLY affordable. But HOT in the summer and COLD in the winter. Rarely any rain. And there is less diversity here than Austin. Oddly we do have 3 "Hawaiian" plate lunch places.
I lived in the Bay Area and Hawaii my whole life. I don't like the idea of raising my kids somewhere SO lacking in diversity and a little rednecky.
Is it possible to have it all? I don't know.
I love your husbands response though!
Mariah-I moved from HI to Portland about 10 years ago and I can say first hand, it is an awesome place to live. There are lots of HI folks here, several HI restaurants, and Asian markets where we can buy good Portuguese sausage and the good kine chow fun noodles:-) Portland is pretty diverse and very green...one hour to the ocean and one hour to Mt Hood. And it's a 5 hour straight flight on Hawaiian Air (our fave) to Oahu or Maui. It has been voted one of the most child friendly cities several times. I love your blog and have been reading since the beginning:-)
Thank you everyone for all you had to say - truly touched my heart to hear all your comments!
Jan - thank you for your insights on Portland! My godsister lives there so perhaps a visit is in order :)
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