There is a dark side to us being on Maui. Ryenne has been worse behaved then ever before. I haven't talked about it much because I thought I could get things under control. But today's temper tantrum was the worst I have ever experienced.
I feel like I'm questioning my parenting methods, questioning myself as a mom, and I'm just mad and frustrated - at myself? at the world? at Ryenne?
It seems like Ryenne is sabotaging everything fun that I plan. Beach day? Well she does something naughty to get it taken away. Playdate? She goes and pulls hitting her brother and gets it taken away. Today's activity I had planned was ukulele lessons at Lahaina Cannery Mall.
I was actually really excited for this one. I told the kids to go potty before we left and packed up the stroller and a toy ukulele for Cruz to play with while we all strummed real ones. We got to the center stage and sat down just as it was starting. Ryenne said she had to go pee.
Ok... I should have expected it. Off to the bathroom we went. The potties are the kind that flush by themselves. She doesn't like them. I can understand that. But at the moment she has to go, Kai says he has to go and can't get his pants off. So I tell Ryenne to go potty while I help Kai and park Cruz in the corner of the bathroom.
She FLIPS out. Seriously FLIPS out. So much so that she pulls her pants down and proceeds to pee all over the bathroom. She gives me the eye like, "What are you going to do about it?". I put Kai back in the stroller with Cruz and said, "That's it. We're done. We're going home."
Enter. Total. Meltdown.
To say that the entire mall her her screaming would be an understatement. She screamed at the top of her lungs, got on the floor and threw a fit, physically tried to stop the stroller from rolling IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MALL. I ended up picking her up and throwing her over my shoulder while I was pushing the stroller. She was kicking and hitting and being all around miserable.
When we got to the car (finally) she hawked a giant loogy and spit in Kai's face. It took every ounce of restraint that I had not to hurt her. I was so upset and so embarrassed. I strapped this kicking child into her carseat and just breathed.
The whole afternoon of fun was ruined.
How have I gone so wrong with her? What have I done wrong? What am I missing. Why does she disrespect me over and over again? Why does she continue to challenge my authority? She is FIVE. I am completely afraid of her as a teenager. There is no doubt in my mind that if she continues along this path she is going to be a horrible, disrespectful person.
I want to have a loving relationship with my daughter. Right now I love her and can't stand her all in the same moment. That hurts me to write that but it's real. It's my real life at this very moment and I'm so lost. I just don't know what to do.
8 comments:
I don't think you can blame yourself for what has been going on with Ry. I do think that you will regret not trying everything in your power to help her - including a professional evaluation. You don't have to do what they recommend, but if I was in your shoes, I would at least check down that road, just to know that I didn't leave any stones unturned. I would bet big money that, regardless of the outcome, it will bring you some relief, and some ideas as far as how to proceed, or not proceed. I understand your concern. I'm no professional, but it seems extremely out of the ordinary for a five year old to exhibit that severe of behavior. I'm so sorry, and I can totally relate to wanting to kick my kid's ass - it doesn't make you a bad mother. At. All. Big love to you guys, I know it must be really tough without Peter for backup. OXO
Your situation right now is crazy! No daddy. Tons of people around. Not much personal space. I think Ryenne is probably just really "off". Jack has definitely had much more of an attitude this summer and I think it because we aren't always active enough like during the school year and also we are kind of tired of each other. Five is a hard age! Ryenne is going to be a beautiful, sweet, amazing teenager. I promise.
She's 5. Unfortunately that's her job to test you. My son is 5 and he tests me constantly. I'm going to say this though I'm not too proud but I have shown him the ugly side of me. He doesn't like it. We rarely ever spank because honestly I got spanked as a child and I didn't like it. But, at the same time, here I am. I am not worse from it and I think I grew up okay. I love my parents. It's about giving strict boundaries. Yes, sometimes things will not always be so smooth, but that's how it will be. I am quick to punish and take away privileges. I have to or else my son will get out of control. I know he constantly tests me but he's 5. Good luck and I hope things get better. Don't feel bad about how you feel. We've all been there. I'd be surprised if a parent out there says they haven't.
Friend you are not alone. We have all been there. Really. You are being consistent and following through on your word. That's a great start. she will learn what you say and expect is what you mean. The hardest part is that it punishes everyone when you have to leave something because of her. That's where it's hard for you not to have Peter there. You could take something away from her and let the others still do it which might make her frustrated enough to realize she is the one missing out. Not everyone. But you can't help that right now. You are a single mom for awhile. Give yourself grace. You are doing your best. 5 is a hard age. It gets better. I promise. Just keep loving her and keep up the consistency. It pays off. Really
trust me i want to disown quinn all the time. he is my challenge...we all have one. at least you breathe i usually yell. as much as you guys are loving maui, it is still a huge change for her. she sounds a little overwhelmed. thinking of you. x.
Rizz- My comment above was based on the fact that this has been going on for much longer than just the time you've been in HI. I guess my concern, if I were you, would be that, if there was something there beyond just being five and being naughty, I would want to know how to handle it properly, and have the correct resources. Let's say, for example, that my kid is autistic (and I'm not saying Ry is at all.) If he is displaying a symptom of his condition, such as acting out, and I punish the symptom, I'm not treating the condition, I'm actually making it worse. This is only an example - every kid is different. There are great kid therapists that do art therapy and stuff that could help you to decide whether further evaluation would be needed. But if there is something there, the longer you wait to find out, the harder it will be to help her. Again, I am basing my suggestion on the things that you have told me, and words you have used to describe her behavior. Imagine if a little therapy for Ry made life easier on all five of you! Or, they could say it's all normal and will heal itself, but KNOWING is the piece that you seem to be missing. Some people think therapy is lame, I used to be one of them. But I have actually been through it now and can say from real experience: it works. It's nice to get comfort from friends, but there's a time and place for a pro. It sounds scarier than it is. Love you, and am here, as usual <3
Oh, my. That sounds like a day in my life. Luke, my 6 year old is my challenge. We were invited over to his friends house today to go swimming. You would think I would be worried about the 4 yo, or the 2 yo, or my newborn creating chaos, but no it was my 6 yo.
He had to get out of the pool for more time outs then I can count. Pushed his friend under the water. Squirted water in faces. Threw towels in the pool because he was in time out. NIGHTMARE. Don't even want to admit he is my child. You would think that he came from a dysfunctional family with no parents. At one point, he even tried to pinch my friend. Lucky for me she has known him since birth.
Anyway, Mariah, you are not alone. Who knows what goes through their little minds. It is so hard. I wish I had an answer for you, but I am questioning myself and wondering where I went wrong. I feel like I already have a teenager!
When we got home I told him that he was disrespectful and got out a pen and some paper for him to write a letter to say he was sorry for his bad behavior. He was in his room for two hours and still... no letter. So he went to bed without a story, kicking and screaming, getting out about 20 times. He is going to challenge me and think I will forget about him writing that letter. He will still go to his camp tomorrow, only because I have already paid for it. However, he will not leave his room for the rest of this weekend until he writes that letter and we hand deliver it.
Anyway, I am done with my ranting!! I hope all goes well in the days to come! I feel your frustration and am sure you are a great mom!!!
Oh Mariah, I'm sorry :( My heart hurts for you reading this because Jason and I used to sit, baffled, and questioning our parenting constantly with Taryn. There was one trip to San Antonio that absolutely makes me cringe when I even think about it and it was over 3 years ago. Have you had her evaluated for sensory issues? T used to be terrified of those toilets and when left to deal with them she totally shuts down bc she couldn't cope. It's possible that if there is a sensory issue that Ry copes by lashing out because she just can't handle it. Many kids with sensory problems can't cope with new situations, events, different environments or just plain old not knowing what to expect. I'd consider having her evaluated, having Marti work with T made a huge difference in our every day life. Even if it's nothing, then at least you'll know that too. Sorry, thinking of you.
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