I had a really wonderful conversation with my mom yesterday. My body has taken a beating with the move and the stress involved with our last housing situation. I haven't addressed it much here because I was still living in Makawao.
Our issues really stem back toward the Spring and it only got worse through the summer. To the point that I was nervous playing outside with the kids, felt like I was walking on eggshells, and even felt my conversations were being overheard. In essence, the place that was supposed to be my refuge was actually more of a prison and I had to serve my time to get out. I think I bottled up every feeling that I had and it manifested in hand and eye tremors, additional migraines, and speech issues over the last few months. I will be going to get a physical next month - just to make sure I'm all good - but now as I put each item away in my new house I'm feeling more and more the release that I needed. This is OUR space. This is my sanctuary.
I need to let go of the poison that was surrounding me. I think it was even more then I realized because I have been an emotional mess. I'm having a hard time sorting through it and I think I need to make an appointment for an infrared sauna time at Spa Luna because I need to sweat out the toxins that have built up over the last few months.
It all came to a head yesterday - October 25 - the day I turned in the keys. I shut the door to the house, put both hands and arms on the door frame, thanked the house for the last 2 years, said a prayer for the next family - and I said goodbye to the house Emi came up to yell at me screaming that I am never welcome back. Tears streaming down my face I said I cannot talk to her, walked to my car, and drove away. It's amazing to me how emotions can physically alter the body. Tremors, shaking, crying.... I feel like they've been daily occurrences lately. I wish I wasn't so sensitive to the way that others' feel about me. I have always been stricken with that need to please all around me. I need to work on that because I need to make sure that I am ok first before I can help anyone else. Talk about a life lesson!
Our Wailuku house was just tented and is now termite free. I can find a home for all of our things and organize. I wish I was a little more OCD about organization and cleaning.
Going to make myself some coffee, eat a little lunch, and then take the monkeys to swimming lessons.
Let the healing begin... let my soul release the hurt and fear inside.